Being a single parent is harder than i actually imagined it to be. Not in a financial sense. I can handle that aspect. But the physical and emotional drain as you watch your child go through a range of emotions each and every day is so unbelievably sad. It breaks you in two. You can't stop it happening and ultimately it was YOU and your decision that did it.
Yes i know that my decision ultimately would have affected everyone but it was something i didn't choose to do lightly. It wasn't a flip decision and was well thought out. I just hate that I am the sole cause of my child's trauma.
As a mother, it's soul destroying to see your child so upset and angry at you and at the world. I hate what i have done to him. I know that in time it will become easier but for now i must shoulder the burden alone.
I can't say I have all the answers, I really don't. I cannot say that everything will be ok because I know that there is a good chance that things will only get worse. I just hope I can do some damage limitation so that he doesn't grow to hate me.
Monday 29 August 2011
Tuesday 23 August 2011
New beginnings...
New starts are always scary right? The fear of the unknown and all that.
I have recently moved out with mini man. We are in our own house now and it's coming along nicely.
I've been able to get away from some pretty awful demons by moving out. Things that have haunted me for a long time, now are just faded bits of my memory that i have stuck in the "Do not open" box inside my head.
It does however make you realise that living with someone for such a long time does affect you. You sometimes turn to ask them something or laugh at something on the TV and expect them to be there laughing with you, which of course they aren't.
Living alone isn't lonely per se. It's just very new and very strange. I do wonder how i will cope. I mean in fairness I've always been quite a weak person who has relied on others emotionally and mentally. Now I'm going it alone and with a mini man to boot.
Dragging my baggage along may well be a long and tedious journey but others have done it and survived so I'm pretty sure i can right?
I have found that certain people i thought i knew, i don't know at all. But to be honest, that is their lookout. I'm not going to cry over it. It all comes out in the wash at the end of the day.
So for now, I'm keeping what's left of me tied and packaged and put in a bullet proof box that only I have the key for. No more damage. No more pain and no more making mistakes.
Love you all.
Princess x
I have recently moved out with mini man. We are in our own house now and it's coming along nicely.
I've been able to get away from some pretty awful demons by moving out. Things that have haunted me for a long time, now are just faded bits of my memory that i have stuck in the "Do not open" box inside my head.
It does however make you realise that living with someone for such a long time does affect you. You sometimes turn to ask them something or laugh at something on the TV and expect them to be there laughing with you, which of course they aren't.
Living alone isn't lonely per se. It's just very new and very strange. I do wonder how i will cope. I mean in fairness I've always been quite a weak person who has relied on others emotionally and mentally. Now I'm going it alone and with a mini man to boot.
Dragging my baggage along may well be a long and tedious journey but others have done it and survived so I'm pretty sure i can right?
I have found that certain people i thought i knew, i don't know at all. But to be honest, that is their lookout. I'm not going to cry over it. It all comes out in the wash at the end of the day.
So for now, I'm keeping what's left of me tied and packaged and put in a bullet proof box that only I have the key for. No more damage. No more pain and no more making mistakes.
Love you all.
Princess x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)