Welcome to my crazy mind... it's cosy here. Pull up a chair and drown in my insanity :)

Sunday 6 November 2011

Looking Forward???

Am I alone in feeling dread when I think about the future? The more I throw myself down this path of discovery and enterprise, I begin to realise that nothing is certain any more.


It is so awful to realise that the one person in your life you thought you knew best, is actually so far from what you thought they were that you begin to doubt your own ability to see the best in people. I have always been a negative person, I have pretty astute intuition about certain things and I'm not very often proved wrong if I'm honest. Doesn't make it hurt any less though does it? 


Why do we let our guard down? Why do we feel that it is safe to do so? And why, when we DO let them down, is it to the worst possible sort of person? Well it's no longer my problem. I won't allow this person to affect me from now on. They can wreck and break as much as they like without me around to pick up the pieces like always.


I need to keep putting those walls up and keeping them there. No more tears, pain or hurt. I want to be strong and solid and stubborn.

Saturday 29 October 2011

Tears, Fears and Sleeping Bags...

As a woman, we go through many different thought processes and feelings in a single day.
For me, I know that when my hormones are raging, I become hard to be around. I suddenly cry for no reason, I become insecure and pick up on everything little thing I can that is guaranteed to make me feel worse.


It's hard when you start to see someone new. You are all of a sudden having to trust this new being, You fall head over heels in love with them and then the panic sets in. The What If's begin, you start to self destruct before you have even started. I'm in this position now. I panic every day about these feelings I have. I worry that in typical Princess Ames style, everything will go horribly wrong and I will be left with yet another failed mess to clear up. 


How do you re-programme yourself? How do you become the relaxed, content and totally secure person you want to be? I mean in all fairness, it's not like I'm in a relationship. We aren't ready for that and although I find it difficult not having something official, I also know that I'm happy and enjoying what I have got at this moment in time. Yet I can't stop the niggles. The thoughts that plague you. Do men go through this? Do men sit there wondering why they haven't met the parents or friends yet? Do they sit there thinking "Hang on a minute, am i doing the right thing here?" I'd assume not. If they do... It's never mentioned in polite conversation.


So being a woman is tough. Really tough. We have all these emotions and hormones and they DO make you crazy. They make you suspicious and fragile and neurotic. Why should I care that Facebook still thinks I'm single? I guess the sad truth is that as women, we feel the need to KNOW we are wanted. That confirmation that YES you are giving your heart to the right person. 


I'm going to make damn sure I push all these thoughts and worries to the back of my mind and live for what I have now. I'm not Bridget Jones, I'm not Elizabeth Bennett and I sure as hell am not Cinderella.
I'm Amy. I have someone very dear to me who makes me laugh and spends time with me, so that for now, means the world to me. Yes I do love him and for that reason I am happy to be whatever it is that we are. 



Sunday 18 September 2011

I don't know you any more...

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not known just who you are looking at?


I do that every morning. Who I see is not who I used to see. Now I see someone hard and cold and older, She's not the happy carefree woman she used to be.


I wonder just what it is that makes these changes in us. Do the every day grinds and funks cause these changes? How can you be born one person and slowly over time become someone totally different and not necessarily someone you particularly like?


I did a lot of soul searching last night and this morning. I have made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people along the way. I'm selfish, pig headed, stubborn and do things so very wrong. 


What do you do when you look in the mirror and hate your reflection? 

Monday 29 August 2011

The Difficulty of Change...

Being a single parent is harder than i actually imagined it to be. Not in a financial sense. I can handle that aspect. But the physical and emotional drain as you watch your child go through a range of emotions each and every day is so unbelievably sad. It breaks you in two. You can't stop it happening and ultimately it was YOU and your decision that did it.


Yes i know that my decision ultimately would have affected everyone but it was something i didn't choose to do lightly. It wasn't a flip decision and was well thought out. I just hate that I am the sole cause of my child's trauma. 


As a mother, it's soul destroying to see your child so upset and angry at you and at the world. I hate what i have done to him. I know that in time it will become easier but for now i must shoulder the burden alone.


I can't say I have all the answers, I really don't. I cannot say that everything will be ok because I know that there is a good chance that things will only get worse. I just hope I can do some damage limitation so that he doesn't grow to hate me.



Tuesday 23 August 2011

New beginnings...

New starts are always scary right? The fear of the unknown and all that.
I have recently moved out with mini man. We are in our own house now and it's coming along nicely.


I've been able to get away from some pretty awful demons by moving out. Things that have haunted me for a long time, now are just faded bits of my memory that i have stuck in the "Do not open" box inside my head.


It does however make you realise that living with someone for such a long time does affect you. You sometimes turn to ask them something or laugh at something on the TV and expect them to be there laughing with you, which of course they aren't.


Living alone isn't lonely per se. It's just very new and very strange. I do wonder how i will cope. I mean in fairness I've always been quite a weak person who has relied on others emotionally and mentally. Now I'm going it alone and with a mini man to boot.


Dragging my baggage along may well be a long and tedious journey but others have done it and survived so I'm pretty sure i can right?


I have found that certain people i thought i knew, i don't know at all. But to be honest, that is their lookout. I'm not going to cry over it. It all comes out in the wash at the end of the day.


So for now,  I'm keeping what's left of me tied and packaged and put in a bullet proof box that only I have the key for. No more damage. No more pain and no more making mistakes.


Love you all.


Princess x

Thursday 30 June 2011

I may not be Summer, But I'd sure like to be Autumn?

I  have come to realise that the things you write in blogs can be damaging. They can affect people that you care about in ways you don't want to. I sometimes write things in my blog that at the time feels like the best thing in the world to say but in hindsight was an absolute Epic Fail. I realise now that I really need to "Think before I Write" as i am really not wanting to give the wrong impression about who I am and what I'm about.


I know that i have recently hurt someone i care about deeply with one of my blogs. That for me is the cruellest feeling. This is a person that means so much to me and I would hate to ever make them feel low. 


I can't ever claim to be perfect but I know what I want. I can say it a million times over but until it sinks in I think I am destined to walk the road alone. 


I have said it once and I will say it again... Only YOU can change your ending. But wouldn't it be nice if you could share the ending with someone so special that you feel like you've hit the jackpot. Just have to see what the future holds.


So... Hi, I'm Autumn... and you are?

Wednesday 27 April 2011

Red Hot Lava...

Anger courses through my veins
Like red hot lava
The mist descends and all i can think of
Is how to hurt you.


No-one cuts me to the quick like you
No-one makes me feel as small.
I hate that i love you.
I hate you.


One day you will realise
Just what you have lost.
Until then i will sit waiting,
Hurting,
Gone.

Tuesday 26 April 2011

Why do we try to change people?

Is it just me who has this inbred need to "Rescue" people?


Most of my exes have had problems and certain personality quirks that i have thought possible to change. Rather foolishly i might add as we all know you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.


I do think that as a race we do have this need to mould people to be how we'd like them to be. Perhaps we want them to be more like us so we don't feel quite so alone in our misgivings. I know that i am a complete pain in the arse. I know that i have many flaws and i could quite happily list them right now. So why, when i am so acutely aware of my downfalls, do i try so hard to cure other people's? What on earth possesses me to want to make others better?  


Let's face it, we are what we are. We all pick up little quirks as we grow. We are influenced by those around us,  our parents, our friends, the TV, newspapers etc and so as we grow we become adults who are all so completely different in our make up. Even genetics does to some degree play a part. Yet we attract people so completely alien to ourselves and we just can't seem to accept that not everyone is the same. We know we MUST accept it but a small part of us always seems to think "Hang on a minute, if i keep trying then maybe i can just change this bit" 


The answer to that is No, you can't change it. Leave it alone. It doesn't belong to you. Why on earth would you want to change someone? Why on earth would you wish for them to be someone else when you were attracted to them as they are in the first place? Don't get me wrong, i think every man would love to change how often his woman wanted sex and no doubt every woman would want to change how often a man chucks his mucky pants on the floor next to the wash basket, but in all seriousness if your partner/friend had things about them you didn't like... why on earth are you spending time with them in the first place?


Of course there are exceptions to this, some people are after all very good at hiding their secret parts that they know no one will accept at a first glance. I'm sure Fred West sure as hell never introduced himself to people as "The crazy bloke who likes to slaughter innocent women" 
But... if things are obvious from the get go... if you fall for a man for instance who likes to be with his friends when you want someone who will be with YOU all the time, why do you stick around? Why do you assume that he will be so taken in by your womanly charms that he will completely forget who he has been for the past 30 years? He won't. Accept it. Move on.


We need to learn to accept people for who they ARE not who we would like them to BE. I'm never going to be a size 8 with perfect abs and smooth peachy skin. Then again i am quite funny and i like to think that my personality has it's attractions. So why do i worry how people see me? Surely those who matter would love me regardless and wouldn't want to change me? 


Unfortunately though i am one of those people who tries to change herself to suit others. The worst kind of person there is. I try so hard to fit into little boxes that i forget i already have my own columns. 


The fact is, you cannot be who you are not. No more than a man can be arsed to put his pants in the wash basket when he has a woman silly enough to grumble about it and pick them up herself. No more than a woman can be bothered to keep herself in shape when her man stuffs himself stupid. It's human nature.


So when you are considering trying to change someone you love or respect... first try looking at yourself and whether someone would want to change you. Chances are that you are someone who would need to be changed.

Wednesday 20 April 2011

Percy Wett... The most special penguin in the world!

On the 21st July 2010, a very special knitted penguin was born to two wonderful mummies. These mummies were so happy to have been blessed with this special bundle that they named him Percy Wett.


Now Percy isn't your average knitted penguin. You cannot find another one like him... he is unique. He has a big heart, a HUGE wardrobe and is unfortunately allergic to fish meaning he has to survive on chocolate penguins! What a wonderful penguin he really is!
















Percy is SO special that he is currently training to climb Ben Nevis with one of his mummies for a wonderful cause. He is raising money for the John Eastwood Hospice Charity. 
Now this isn't an easy task for anyone... let alone a knitted penguin so he has been working hard to ensure he is fit and well and manages to complete the climb which is a staggering 4,409ft high! I don't know about you but i know i wouldn't be able to manage it so i am utterly in awe of Percy and his mummy!

I have been following Percy on his Face book page since before Christmas. He is such a gentleman. He goes to work with his fans and always makes his mummies proud. You can become a fan of Percy Wett via his Facebook or via his Twitter account! 

Percy doesn't just raise money for charity or go to work with his fans... he also stars in his own videos! He is a true star in every sense of the word...

This one being my absolute favourite! You can also find many more of his videos HERE. You can subscribe to them too so you never miss a single one!

So, as you can see Percy is a hard working, fun loving and beautifully dressed penguin with a heart of gold! If you can, please please please make a small donation to his cause. Show your support by following him on Twitter and by adding him to Facebook using the links i have posted above!

I know that both Percy Wett AND his mummies will be thrilled to have you join them!

As for me... I shall soon be making a donation to the cause and will be cheering him along every step of the way!

Percy Wett... you are an inspiration to us all! 

Love you,
Princess Ames xx

Tuesday 19 April 2011

A letter to my son...

I thought it would be a touching idea to write my son a letter for the future. So he could fully understand at 21 why i did all the things i did as a parent. I know had my mum written me a similar letter, it would have fully prepared me for being a parent....


Dear Son,
As you reach your 21st birthday i wish to pass on this letter to explain to you why the past 21 years have been like they have. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel when you become a parent. Everything you had ever known about the world becomes different. No longer can you lie in bed until 12pm. No longer can you spend all your money recklessly on drink and clothes you don't need (although some people do that don't really care about their children). Now you have to take care of this tiny little life that relies on you for everything.


I have changed your nappy so many times i could go blind. I have cleaned up sick, blood, poop and wee so many times that if i had a pound for every time i had... I'd be rich. But in all fairness, i would do it all again for you because you're my reason for getting up in the morning. 


When i shout at you, it's only because i care. When i nag at you, it's only because I'm a mother and that's what we do. Whenever i moan at you for throwing your clothes on the floor... pick them up! I'm getting old and bending at my age is not good. Remember that the reason my back is sore is because I have had to carry you so often when you were complaining about being tired! Also remember that when I am old and incontinent... i expect you to step up to the plate and change my nappy, as i did yours ;)


Watching you grow hasn't been easy. As each year has passed i have watch you bloom into a beautiful young man. I have watched you triumph and i have seen you fail. I have been there to kiss the tears away and hug you to share your joy. These things you can never put a price on. You don't tend to hug or kiss me much any more... you seem to think you're too old for that now but i beg to differ young man!


I'm sorry that you found out Santa Claus wasn't real when you were 9. It was a severe disappointment for me too when i leant the same when i was that age. I always held that magic for you as long as i could. I expect you to do the same if any children are blessed to have you as their father. Same goes for the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and The Grinch (He's real you know!)


I'm sorry that I've always been just a little bit too grumpy. I seem to have a gene that causes me to have sulky moments when i should be smiling with you. It's not easy being a parent. You'll realise that someday. When you finally realise that money doesn't grow on trees and the world isn't made of chocolate... you'll be able to see what i mean.


Always love with ALL your heart. Never be afraid to cry or to let others in. Please try to learn to ride a bike and stick to the swimming as you always hated that. Make sure you brush your hair, clean your teeth and wash your clothes. Shower often... no one likes a smelly person. I probably won't have taught you to iron as I'm rubbish at it but you know how to use the washing machine so go and put the whites on for your dear old ma.


Above all, remember that mummy always did her best for you. I may not have always got it right but i always tried and that, when you're a parent is the most important thing. You learn from your mistakes after all. So go forth into the big wide world, love hard, live fast and always try to achieve your dreams. I'm so proud of who you have become.


Always yours, 
Love Mum.
xxxx